thinking about suicide right now.


October 15, 2012. Main Personal. Leave a comment.

time bomb…

time bomb

October 15, 2012. Main Personal. Leave a comment.

Appalled (rant)

Today I was on tumblr scrolling through pictures, then I feel upon this:



someone said lovely. another said beautiful. another said I wish I had that body.

she looks sick, whoever she is. stick thin. no. that’s not right. grr it just makes me so mad >.< 

October 11, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Main Personal. Leave a comment.

I really need someone


October 9, 2012. Tags: , , , , . Main Personal. Leave a comment.


October 9, 2012. Main Personal. Leave a comment.


I’ve had a bad day today. My alarm didn’t go off, so I got up late, my computer was being a complete ass (which doesn’t work out because I take online classes), and my mom has been annoying the hell out of me. I can’t vent to anyone because they won’t do anything. All anyone says when I vent to them is let them know if they can do anything or help…that’s great but….that doesn’t make me feel any better. It doesn’t make me feel like they really have my back. I talked to them about it for a reason. 

I just don’t feel like it’s worth it. I don’t feel anything. I’m numb today, I’m not just numb but frustrated with everything.

October 9, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Main Personal. Leave a comment.

I say no

Just a little vent that I am going to do based on image. 

Image as in body, breasts, ass, etc. 

I’m short, 5 foot 1 actually. I will not grow anymore, I will always be this height. I have “big feet” or so other girls say, my shoe size is an 8, two sizes bigger than the “ideal” size of a girls foot. I hate my hips. I am slim, I have a small waste, I have hairy arms (which I shave). I used to be self conscious. I still am, except it isn’t as bad.  

People say I’m naturally pretty, sometimes I believe them, others I don’t. I still feel self confident, though. 

Whenever I see a girl that appears to be more attractive than me, I always think to myself that I want to look like that.

And then I think about it. 

It would take plastic surgery to get those breasts, that nose, I would have to get a fake tan, the make up she wears is probably an expensive brand like Mac or Nars, she doesn’t have freckles, I would have to laser them off, I know I couldn’t fit into those shoes, I’d have to get colored contacts…

I don’t want to look like that. It would be like trying to fit into another persons body. I would become another person. Yes, I do want to be healthier (or at least somewhat, if I lose anymore weight I will become a stick figure). I was on the verge of becoming anorexic. I ate one meal a day, usually that meal wasn’t very big, maybe a sandwich or soup. I have recovered, I am doing better now, but that doesn’t mean the thoughts still don’t buzz around in my head. I fear gaining weight, but I also fear becoming sick. It’s hard to pull out of the process when you’re still surrounded by all of these “ideal images” in society. Very hard. It scares me as well, to know that people are willing to go to such extremes to become “beautiful”. Methods such as eating a tape worm or becoming pro-anorexic scare me to death. That isn’t healthy. 

Young girls younger than ten years old think they’re fat. Boys struggle too. It’s unbelievable. It’s terrible. 

just a rant. 

October 5, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Main Personal. Leave a comment.

The pain is there to remi…

The pain is there to remind me I’m alive

got this from tumblr 

October 5, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . Main Personal. Leave a comment.

A friend of mine

A friend of mine (who is a boy) annoyed the hell out of me today. Not on purpose, at first I was perfectly happy talking to him, and then WHAM! It just happened, out of the blue, unexpected, he brought up his girl crush. I don’t mind giving a little advice, but when it get’s to the point when I’m helping him pick out a pet name for her and helping him talk to her, I get a little peeved off. Not to mention the fact he is my ex..and he is trying to shove it in my face he has a new fancy. Ah hell naw, not okay. We’re really close, or so I suppose, but sometimes he’s a little…*bangs head on desk*. All of this magically happened when I gained a boyfriend as well, this makes me very nervous and worried about what the little devil has in mind.

I’m keeping a close eye on him, that’s for sure.

Anyways, on a happier note, I am very excited that my birthday is approaching (the sixteenth). I will be turning 15..yay. Another year closer to graduating.

October 2, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Main Personal. Leave a comment.


Today was actually a fairly good day. Not a lot of people annoyed me. I got to see Avengers (finally) and loved all the characters (the Hulk is sexyyy). I’d give the movie a five out of five most definitely. 

Now I’m back home relaxing, just soaking in the goodness cause I know my happy streak probably won’t last long. My rabbit is annoying the hell out of it, but I guess that’s just something I will have to get used to. Oh well, maybe fantasizing about the Hulk saving me from aliens will help me feel better. Anyways, just thought I would give a bit of an update, not much to complain about now. 

October 2, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . Main Personal. Leave a comment.

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